My old friends in Washington DC give the site a name-check at

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/09/02/AR2010090202269.html

Thanks

And one summer tradition fell victim to the weather last week. Every year I look forward to seeing the musical at Regent’s Park Open Air Theatre. Last week, for the first time since 1990, they stopped the performance I was attending  just after half time. I’m not saying the ‘elf’n’safety brigade was totally to blame – they didn’t ask the Park to construct a sort of  climbing frame / treehouse / skyscraper set. On the other hand, it wasn’t raining THAT hard, and had the cast not been at probable risk due to having to climb a mile to sing every line, they could have carried on.

Yes, I’ve now had to change my wonderful seats for not such good ones another time in order to find out how it all ends, so I’m brassed off. On the plus side, the RP Exchange Line and Box Office should take a bow. Efficient and helpful aren’t strong enough superlatives to describe the gentleman I spoke to, and my new tickets were emailed within hours. Also on the plus side, I’ll be able to relax and enjoy the show without having to write about it – a nice change. One of the small drawbacks of running the site is that every theatregoing opportunity is one to refine the page, so knowing I can just enjoy at least the first half of the show is a change.

There are also perks to running the site, of course. Free stuff. In the run-up to the gift buying season (followed, of course, by the gift exchanging season in January); several purveyors of quality printed and recorded works seek my opinion on their latest output. Promised goodies include Berkoff and Plummer autobiographies (and you won’t see that pair together in the same sentence that often) and the new Miz CD.

Before all those, however, last week I was somewhat surprised to receive a hefty 1500 tome concerning the joys of, er, to put it politely, ‘relaxing with oneself while using the internet.’ Who could produce such a work, I asked? (knowing that Mr P is otherwise occupied with his latest learned diatribe on acing the UK immigration test). The accompanying press release of course was clear. Trekkie Monster, one of the stars of West End musical “Avenue Q” has decided to share his long years of research with us. For more on the ADULTS ONLY book, visit www.medicineoflife.co.uk/.  For the monkey review see www.theatremonkey.com/Bookshelf.htm#Most

And there it almost ends, with just a note to remember to sponsor Terri Paddock, Editorial Director of the Whatsonstage.com website. On the 10th October, she is running the Royal Parks Half-Marathon in aid of the Prince’s Foundation for Children and the Arts, an educational charity which provides access for young people who would otherwise grow up having had no, or very limited opportunity, to engage with the arts, including theatre. An amazing cause, worth a few pounds at www.virginmoneygiving.com/TerriPaddock. I’d say.

“The Thriller Turns Vanilla,” or something. Either way, the interesting news from Amazon is that last week’s positions have been more than totally reversed. “Theatremonkey, A Guide To London’s West End” has been enjoying a position within the top 30,000 to 70,000, while Gordon (insert your own epithet, sorry, epitaph here) Brown is back down in the mid-quarter century area again. Even more interesting, the price hasn’t fallen to match, so maybe there are hopes of another surge… after a few months of someone else leading the red corner, perhaps?

Saddest news of the week was the closure of Keith Prowse Tickets. This famous name had closed once before in 1991, ending a history that began in 1780 – when “box office computer” meant a stub of pencil and online booking was available only for performances 225 years ahead (basically a Cliff Richard gig). The name was bought in 1994 by another company, but apparently there were some financial issues that necessitated calling in administrators on 11^th August.

Nobody has lost tickets due to this, but I’m really upset that the cheery team in Donegal are all out of a job. Always chirpy, they’d do their best to answer a question – even if you rang the call centre late at night – to the utmost of their abilities. If any Irish employer is reading this, then feel free to take that as a reference for any of them – you’ll do no better for customer care if you take one or more of them on.

Oh, and in case anyone is wondering why I’m able to write this, after expecting to be offline… simple prevarication. Windows 7 / Office 2010 may well be where it’s all at, but can I be bothered to re-learn everything? My usual computer expert says I can stick with trusty Office 2003 even if he has to move it onto a 7 base – and 7 is apparently little different to XP… But… you get comfy with the way your machine is set up, and it is just the thought of those awkward few days when your ‘new shoes have to shape themselves to your feet’ and you know you can’t walk quite as far as usual until they do.

Still, will have to bite the bullet and go get measured soon.

You may have read in the past week that the collected speeches of Gordon (insert your own epithet, sorry, epitaph here) Brown were languishing far down the Amazon.co.uk sales list at 242,000 or so – and heavily discounted. Result: 1 smug Theatremonkey publisher and author, as we are way higher up the ranking than that.

Rather proving that any publicity is good publicity, I checked the rankings again yesterday… Thanks to the power of the Tory media, pouring scorn on the (insert your own epithet, sorry, epitaph here) one’s scribblings… the same speeches are now a best-seller and up over a fiver in price too.

To be fair, that was just amusing. Don’t get me started on what his predecessor (don’t hold back (insert your own epithet, sorry, epitaph here) has done with his own magnificent octopus / magnum opus (I struggled with Latin as a kid, preferring ‘Blackadder” to “vidi, vici, vini” any day, though reading that back…).

In other news, a hopeful moment as I filled in (or out, as it was) an American Visa Waiver form, valid for two years. With no plans to visit the Land of the Rising Big Mac, I still thought it was worth saving myself £15 on the off-chance. You don’t even have to give a travel date or anything – you can leave all that blank. A simple passport number is enough.

What interested me, as always, is the language the US Government use on its forms. Unlike our British ones, which have a friendly ‘now you are 7, you are old enough to fill in this form yourself’ tone, all “please write in this space your birthday, and the gift you’d most like to receive” etc, US forms baldy state “Date of Birth. The month, day and year you were born. Write with two digits for all these. Do not put the first two numbers of the year.” Not unpleasant, just rather interesting for anybody with an interest in words to make the comparison.

And that about does it for this entry. Not sure when the next one will be as the current computer is getting a bit grumpy. Watch this space.

Last week I noticed that London was heaving with overseas visitors. This week, I’m wondering how many are going to the theatre…

Yesterday I probably set some kind of theatremonkey site record, working for nearly 4 hours just on adding new offers to the ticket discounting page. To my total bewilderment, that spilt over into this morning, with a further 3 hours of new offers on top of that.              

The best of these has to be the return of the famous “Buy A Ticket, Get your Hotel Room FREE” deal that proves so successful each January and July. A bit later this year than last, but going on into the early autumn for a change…  so a good chance for a weekend in London once your butler has packed the kids back off to boarding school on the Hogwarts Express.

What struck me about all the offers, though, was that many (the hotel ones excluded) are for the cheaper seats in the theatre.  As readers of the Theatremonkey book know, many of these seats are a real bargain for those willing to accept being a little further back / seeing a little less of the stage.

Perhaps the book – and even the website – have persuaded theatres to re-discover the potential of the cheaper seats, and tap a market for those who wish to see a show but can’t manage even a discounted top price pair in the stalls. I mean, £65 down to £44.99 isn’t really that affordable, is it?!

Both book and site march on, by the way. In two amusing conversations, I’ve discovered that almost half the major ticket agencies in London are actually equipped with multiple copies of the guide… and one or two even use it in “dispute resolution.” I’ve never thought it was heavy enough to do much damage bouncing off a difficult person’s skull, but obviously somebody has worked out a method. Answers on a postcard, please.

A nice mention too, for the site, from my old friends at Lovemoney.com. Emma Roberts, in romantic mood, looks at deals for couples on everything from a meal to a day or an evening out. Some great ideas for saving a great deal of cash, while still impressing the object of your affections. Have a look, it could be just the thing for a little late summer blooming… if you can find the time!

While it is now possible to keep the website running on a day to day basis by checking details online and via the odd email and phone call, it’s also often necessary to spend the odd morning wandering the streets of the West End and dropping by some of the major box offices. Apart from information gathering, that’s a chance for a good ‘catch up’ with many of the great people I’ve got to know, and also for the desk-bound writer to stretch a bit.

Yesterday, I noticed that the streets had gained an interesting new addition. The 30^th July saw the launch of a bike rental scheme for London. Register online (or, from the end of the month, put your credit card in the machine by the bike rack) and you can borrow a hefty looking cycle to get you from rack A to rack B, hopefully near your destination.

The racks I passed were about 50/50 full of bikes and empty spaces. I’m guessing that the holes are deliberate to ensure a free docking point for arrivers… though I also know the scheme launched with fewer bikes than expected. Here’s the interesting bit, though. I walked about 5 miles that morning, passing 4 docking stations… and didn’t see anybody on a bike or using the station - beyond giving the shebang the same curious look-over I gave it.

As a life-long Londoner (and proud of it) I have two thoughts on the scheme. First, I don’t fancy tangling with the traffic or dodging the potholes on one of those heavy things – or any form of 2 wheeled transport, being honest. Second, the trip I made involved entering many buildings. Had I used a bike, where would I have stashed it? Can’t take it indoors, there’s no locks supplied and nothing to chain it to… and if you did, it’d be gone (as would £300 from your credit card security deposit) within seconds.

No doubt a few hairy and brave friends of the earth will enjoy the scheme (at least when it’s dry – what happens in winter?) and think they’ve saved a bit of planet (the bikes are serviced by petrol vans driving round and round, do the math). I think I’ll stick to a sturdy pair of walking shoes and an internal map of backstreet short cuts, thanks.

Only two further observations on my trip: 1) They still have not fixed the pavement on one side of Waterloo Bridge, and it’s annoying that you can’t change side without going down to Embankment and back up. 2) Plenty of tourists around in London. Great, welcome! And for the battalions on the Jubilee Bridge, taking photos of the London Eye Wheel… if you think that is impressive, wait till you see the hamster. (Thanks Ken Dodd for that one.)

A great one here from my friend at musicalverse.co.uk - thanks

Oh, and for anyone interested, there’s a chance – three in fact – to win £50 of Theatre Tokens (plus a snazzy TKTS mug!) in the theatremonkey TKTS Booth 30th Birthday Celebration Competition. See www.theatremonkey.com for details.

Last week, I wrote about the wonders of the technological age. This week turned out to be all about the pitfalls.

First, the old answerphone decided to retire, gracefully letting me know by refusing to connect a call when picking up the handset. So, choose a new one. Problem 1: most new answerphones work on the “mobile phone” system of having a screen display you have to scroll through for numbers in your address book. Only one, from a company with the anagram “Pacasoni” (for good reasons) has my preferred system of several buttons that with one punch can dial a frequently used but never remembered number… with a label space beside each to record the name in case you forget that as well.

Having a number of extensions, it used to be the case that you were required to check that you don’t overload the system with excessive REN. 4 is the maximum per line, 3 the ideal, and each phone used to have a REN value to guide you. Tried Pacasoni to find out the REN of my potential purchase… turns out REN is obsolete, and BT say the same. “Try it and see” is the advice given – so a return to the shop if it isn’t suitable. I suspect EU involvement in this, but who is to say…

Second, a typical example of how big companies don’t listen, and how computer companies forget that people are vital. As part of theatremonkey’s expansion, I was approached to join a new scheme – carried out via an intermediary online company. Obviously I needed to see contract information and went to the intermediary’s corporate website. The contract information wasn’t there – so I tried filling in an enquiry form to see if that helped. The enquiry form, naturally, didn’t work – meaning that any potential client couldn’t join the intermediary outfit and thus the approaching company if they tried.

Guess what… tell the intermediary company about both issues, and they resort to “Bombay Call Centre” tactics – ‘cut and paste’ answers irrelevant to the problem. It’s cheaper to do that than address the issue, you see, and in fact it helps the customer in the longer term.

Why? Because customers like myself can instantly spot such organisations as those we do not wish to work with. The fact it has blown a potentially rather large deal for their client – whom they were supposed to help – is neither here nor there; we are both probably better off without them.

On the plus side, at least it gave me a subject for this week’s blog, so it can’t be all bad.

Mr P, being of a younger generation, is unable to remember when computers had 0.5k of memory and a cassette deck – thus making them stupider than a “Britain’s Got Talent” first round reject. He therefore finds it difficult to comprehend my own feeling that technology is not always the answer.

For example, the only reason I own a mobile phone is that telephone boxes are becoming extinct. My phone takes / makes calls and texts and nothing else. That suits me just fine. Otherwise, I regard computers as work tools only (admittedly because I stare at one every working day and don’t wish to look at one at night. Peter Stringfellow may feel the same about his cabaret entertainers, though I doubt it).

My point is that for me, a little technology goes a long way – and I only really enjoy that which has proven usefulness. My local Sainsbury’s installation of “Self Service” checkouts is an example rare and fine enough for me to blog here.

With the daytime technophobic shoppers relegated to their long lines at staffed checkouts, those comfortable with machines (and generally in a hurry anyway) enjoy a speedy and queue free redemption from the usual supermarket departure-hell wait.

 So far, the only drawback of “self service” that I’ve discovered is the rather bossy woman they’ve got ordering you to scan items and remove inappropriate things from your packing area. The alleged fact that the Soho branch has deleted this line (due to customer hysteria generated), suggests a remedy for this mild flaw. The Brits still like a little interaction and comedy – even without a harassed part-time worker pushing buttons and placing your eggs under your potatoes in the bag – so maybe the store could make an extra leap in the “retail as entertainment” department?

Replace that hassling voice with celebrities, and we might all have some fun. Imagine Chris Tarrant (Regis Philbin for US readers) asking, “Is that your final item?” or asking if you wish to “Phone a dietician” about your cream cake addiction.

Even better, there are 4 units lined up doing nothing if the technophobes avoid them. Imagine if each had the personality of an “X Factor” judge… and was programmed to bicker with the others… After being told by one that “your shopping today was acceptable, and that’s all” another could chip in with “don’t listen to him, you were great today, really owning those cornflakes.”

Of course, celebrities cost money, and could even intimidate those who are already nervous of the machines. So maybe “normal people” would be the approach. As you walk up to the device, it accuses you of cutting the line, then starts moaning about how long it has had to wait, then compares the wait to the one at the doctor’s last week… and, “wouldn’t you believe what he said about my…” etc etc.

Or maybe your “friendly local British worker” might be a better bet. Cheerful chat and a re-assuring “be done before you know it” before it considers your tea bag and digestive biscuit supply for 15 minutes and then offers you a ‘deal for cash’ at the end to save on the VAT. If you are really lucky, it might even whistle at your wife as she passes – maybe brightening her day!

Further brightening your day, and following a twitter from a blog reader, I must direct you to website www.musicalverse.co.uk, where owner Jesse Owen is doing something special sharing a love of musical theatre with the world. Oh, and giving the book a nice mention too.

At the risk of sounding like the late bloke who used to do all the Hollywood film trailer narrations, “In a world where recession has hit, and fear of the World Cup / Tennis and Heatwave is stalking the streets,” I have to say… June was a real surprise.

No, not that June (of her I’d expect little else, with a pushy stage mother like Rose), I’m talking about the month. Actually ahead of all expectations with book and ticket sales. Even though the theatremonkey website attracted fewer than usual readers, most were actual buyers.

The really amusing thing was coming third in a trade competition that I didn’t even know I’d entered. That was quite funny… what really made me laugh was the prize… ticket tokens. They’ll be put to good use of course, but it did feel a bit like a baker winning a loaf or Ant’n’Dec a sack of coal.

Also quite nice was doing a banner swap with Dress Circle, the showbiz shop who’ve supported the book since the beginning and have sold many copies. In return for a space on theatremonkey to advertise a forthcoming signing of “Legally Blonde” London Cast CDs (already ordered mine), they’ve given Mr P a space on the side of their web page. Mr P is busy working out how to sell the book in 120 square pixels now, so watch that space.

Oh, and a final experimentation result. If the outside temperature is 32C and you keep your double glazed windows and doors firmly shut the whole time, with all curtains closed… the inside temperature stays cool… but your house starts to reek after about 12 hours. Just thought I’d mention.