Following last week’s question about local rabbit life, it is now the local bird life that has me confused. Before anyone asks, that is the feathered variety, not what Mr P means by the noun.

First, a forgotten high-quality rye bread loaf was sprinkled outside for the delectation of passing sparrows. A week later, some of it is still there. Why are they turning their beaks up at free food?

Second, and still on bread matters, the local ducks have erected a sign (or maybe had one erected on their behalf) warning that bread makes it harder for them to fend off foxes. I can well see that too much Wonderloaf in the pond turns it anaerobic, and that mixing bread with Paxo makes them more tempting to poachers as most of the prep work has been done (likewise if you can get them to swallow oranges). However, bread stops them fighting off foxes? Generations of bread-fed park ducks seem to have managed so far.

Still, the obvious solution is to assist the poor things by feeding them garlic and curry powder. One quack and their breath will be enough to deal with anything. Also, for the chemically minded, isn’t guano a major ingredient in many explosives? Combined with the garlic / curry powder, there’s a potent solution as they can literally lay their own minefield.

Alternatively, can ducks learn karate?

Oh, and in regard to last week’s rant on football, a question on the Dress Circle  message board asking if the poster was the only straight male to detest the whole “World Cup” thing made me reply,

“Straight, loves musical theatre, can’t stand football – using the World Cup to catch up on some films and books (”Prep” – Curtis Sittenfeld is a MUST / listen to “Is There Life After High School” while reading to get the full effect).

For me it’s the sheer witlessness of the whole game. Neither players nor commentators appear to have much command of the English language, nor any sense of proportion (it’s always a ‘disaster avoided’ ‘dangerous game’ etc etc etc). There’s nothing creative going on, and while I admire their fitness and stamina (like I do West End performers) it all seems a lot of work and cash for very little result.

I’m not anti-sport as a whole – I’m an American Football fan (hence the ‘Packers’ colours in the theatremonkey website), and I’m trying to find out who I need to bribe for tickets to the 2012 Boxing and Equestrian events finals; but the combination of greed, moronics and vulgarity that surround the “beautiful game” just leave me cold, I’m afraid.”

Funny how talking about it, you can work things out. Maybe Freud had a point.

Confusing stuff at the moment – which I put down to the heat,

1) Why did “Theatremonkey: A Guide To London’s West End” suddenly leap into the top 10,000 books earlier this week at Amazon.co.uk, after spending the preceding week at number 100,000 or thereabouts? Mr P doesn’t have a clue, there’s not been any mention of the book anywhere on the web, and site traffic hasn’t increased substantially. Good news, but odd.

2) Why did the Inland Revenue take FOUR YEARS to send me a tax bill, and then get the whole thing wrong? More to the point, should I move closer to the sea so that they can’t bother me any more, as they only deal with Inland people?

3) Why am I now seeing more baby rabbits running wild around my local area, if all I’ve ever seen before is one single rabbit? Is rabbit internet dating a new idea that I’ve never heard of, or is there a lack of feminists in the rabbit community to speak out for those trapped in their burrows all day?

4) Why do I really, and I mean really, not care that England didn’t win in football, and that we probably won’t have much luck at Wimbledon either? Should we adopt the Chinese approach and pick sports nobody else is good at and then train 7 year olds like mad for them? Our Olympic Egg and Spoon ambitions could rest on the current year 3 more heavily than SAT tests in years to come.

There’s also the oddity that theatremonkey.com was actually busier than last June, despite all known factors and the state of much of the rest of the theatre industry; and also the sadness that “The Fantasticks” lasted just two weeks in a classic case of wrong show, wrong time, perhaps wrong production. Oh, and why doesn’t any branch of Boots within a 10 mile radius stock their very useful “Total Sunblock In A Solid Stick” product like the website does? Too many questions, too much sun? Who knows?

Further reminders of just how close to nature London is, this week, as I enjoyed some rare Sunday summer sunshine on a local common. I’d forgotten that it is one of the last places in London to have open grazing for cattle… and so was amused to discover a dairy herd enjoying an airing as much as the humans did. It’s easy to forget just how large these animals are, and how important to the food chain – and even easier for some idiots to forget how dangerous.

As I watched, one pathetic individual allowed their dog to begin worrying the cattle. An actual criminal offence under the Countryside Act, of course (but has there ever been a prosecution in London?). Fortunately for the dog, the cow concerned chose merely to step forward rather than kick, and the hound ran at the movement of the irritated bovine.

Stopping only to say hello to the deer herd further along the path – who ignored me because I don’t carry carrots (except on second dates) – I strolled on, musing on the wonders of nature and wondering why I so suddenly fancied a Big Mac and a milkshake.

And so to theatre news. Nothing much happening; though interestingly the football hasn’t really affected theatremonkey.com at all, except to provide some quiet time during matches to write things like this. It is probably only me who isn’t interested at all in the game, but the time to catch up on work and films is appreciated. “The Jolson Story” remains THE best film about the theatre world I’ve ever seen. If you haven’t already, go watch… there’s plenty of time as I think this cup thing goes on for another two weeks at least.

They don’t call it the urban jungle for nothing. Unless next door’s cat is on a steroid programme I know nothing about, then I have wild foxes in my garden. This I’ve known for several years. Even before I saw a pair a couple of years ago, the particular mess they leave on the pathway is unmistakable. Anyone else living in fox-infested suburbia will know what I mean.

Beyond that, I know the suburb has rats. Saw one on a quiet Christmas Day morning making its way up the main street on my estate. It was a rather lovely yellowy colour, and as it was carrying gifts, I assume it was on its way to visit relatives. The local park also has a resident owl (regularly heard) and a woodpecker – the first I’ve ever seen. Who knew they all had IPods these days with thrash (or should that be thrush?) metal to provide a rhythm to keep their tree bashing activities in time.

Now I find out there is a large rabbit population in the greenery at one end of the street. Saw one the other day, enjoying its grass and oblivious to the heavy articulated trucks taking a short cut. Thumper (or Dumper, considering what was nearby at the time I saw it) may be the reason the local fox population is sustainable, but is another manifestation of the urban jungle. With the Cobs now in power and the hunting ban set to be abolished, should us urbanites begin to take horse riding lessons and breed beagles? I’d rather not, personally, but it really is becoming a jungle out there.

Probably it means having the ability to do something better than the vast majority can. Fact is, everybody is good at something, and there is always somebody who can do something that you cannot and vice versa. Therefore, is it right for somebody like me (who is not a performer) to sit and watch “Britain’s Got Talent” and think that the answer is mostly – on this demonstration – “no?”

As somebody who depends on new talent to produce work that ticket buyers are willing to pay to see, maybe I am allowed to make the odd comment. First off, the obvious and right people won. The second Spelbound chucked one of their number over the judges’ desk at an altitude of at least ten feet, the result was never in doubt. Everybody else on that stage had also doubtless spent millions of hours attempting to perfect their acts – but nobody else thought of pulling the ‘human cannonball’ trick – thus proving the man in Spelbound was literally of a different calibre. Had that elderly singer had the idea first, no doubt she would have beaten the gymnasts… but she didn’t.

I was left with three questions, though. First, how do you get Spelbound to stretch a few minutes into a full show – and what happens as the team get older and the show wants to continue? Second, why were there so many street dance acts and no comedians bar one impressionist? Comedy is hard to put over at an audition, and the audition selection process itself may be pretty dodgy if a newspaper expose is to be believed, but still… we are a nation that loves to laugh, so where were the jokers?

Finally: Is this really the best we can do? Fairly entertaining, but is the standard of the acts chosen really representative of the very best performers out there, and should we be interested in that, or simple entertainment value only? Excellence is part of talent, how big should that part be?

That’s what the original website set out to do. Since then, as Rogers and Hammerstein put it so well, “if you become a teacher, by the pupils you are taught.” Certainly true in my case. It is amazing what you learn, even from something as simple as sales patterns.

For example, my last blog entry speculated on how well Danielle’s casting as Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz” was received. Now the monthly numbers are in, all I can say is that she’s lookin’ good! Outselling nearest competitor “Love Never Dies” by a ratio of nearly 1.5 to 1; and even holding up well against a historic comparison with initial sales of Lee Mead’s Joseph tickets. Those sold a bit  better – simply because they were a lot cheaper - but still… the West End is in a bad place at the moment, and at least two shows are doing OK. Phew.

The book is doing fine too. Another satisfied reader posted a review at Amazon.co.uk, and Canterbury Waterstone’s now has copies available. Finchley Road branch re-ordered too; and I’ve just signed another large pile for visitors to Dress Circle in Monmouth Street.

While on that subject, I was there last week as part of the weirdest morning I’ve spent in the West End for some time (possibly since meeting Mr P, in fact). A couple of weeks back I was approached by an overseas journalist wanting to do a feature on London Theatre. An hour’s chat was suggested, and I agreed as of course it helps the story, and – being honest – both book and website.

In the end, the ‘hour’s chat’ became a two hour manic dash between two photo locations (a theatre somebody was kind enough to lend me, and Dress Circle shop), with stops at various buildings in between. ‘One journalist’ became a journalist, an excellent professional photographer, and a photographer’s model to whom I was supposedly explaining “the inside secrets of West End Theatre” (as the vicar said to the actress). From that I learned that I was right not to embark on a modelling career myself. Not only do I photograph like a warped plank (already knew that), but I also found out that I don’t have any patience for photographers whatsoever.

More important – coming over all Carrie Bradshaw here – in seeking to show somebody the ‘inside secrets’ of an industry I love, I think I found out another secret myself…

Nothing was planned that morning, except use of the two locations – and within them just a foyer, a private room and a shop sales floor. On the day, sheer kindness took us far beyond that. Moving between the two places, further spontaneous meetings with people I’ve met through the site added extra colour.

Every single theatrical person the group encountered dealt brilliantly with my demented tour. Despite having no advance warning, all willingly gave their valuable time and help - leaving my party amazed and delighted.  The secret of West End theatre? Its generosity and wanting to do the very best it can to entertain whenever it can. Who knew? Wow.

On the whole, yes. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind after she had sung her final two songs. Her “Mambo Italiano” was far better second time around – and its first outing weeks ago was outstanding – thus proving she is able to learn, and learn quickly. More important, Sophie’s face as Danielle gave her “Over The Rainbow” I feel requires me to add no further words. While I doubt – as her winning reprise showed – that she could sing that song the same way every night, as a one-off it was formidable enough to pretty well predict the final result I felt.

For me as a theatrical observer, the real interest came a few hours before. Prior to closing for the weekend, I took extra time to double-check all details of the show to make sure the pages would be online the moment the winner was announced. To my surprise, I found that the whole thing had been brought forward two months, and that cheap previews had been added too. More important, the box office made clear that Danielle would only do 7, not 8 shows per week. Obviously learning from the “Sound Of  Music” experience, this makes both commercial and health sense for such a young performer.

As to the two runners-up (whom you cannot, by any sense of the word, call losers when they are both such winners), well done and let’s hope Lauren and Andrew do telephone each other soon. Sophie I could see working once she has trained, and of the rest I’d like to see Jessica paired with Abi Finley (one of the original Maria girls of 2006) in a revival of comedy musical “Wonderful Town.” I think that would be hilarious.

Now only three questions remain: 1) will Danielle get good reviews – we’ll know in March 2011. 2) How are tickets selling? I’ll get my own ‘straw poll’ tomorrow - with luck – when I check the website activity logs. 3) Did I vote?… after that version of “Over The Rainbow,” how could I not…

On Saturday night live TV, Danielle, Lauren or Sophie will land the leading role in probably the biggest opening of 2011. Proving just how wrong I was, I only predicted that Danielle would reach the final – and didn’t get any of the finalists right at the very beginning of the series.

This season’s “casting theatre by public vote” has been very different from those that have gone before. As the panel observed, the standard from the start was higher than ever. Not “TV Judge Talk” either – this was sincere and noticeable to all viewers, I think. Even better, it seemed that the contestants were a particularly nice bunch of people. All appeared likable and trying to balance the competitive edge with a team spirit far greater than previous years.

Lovely to see Steph given that standing ovation as she left. The result was pretty inevitable I fear, and it has been great to read online rumours of her next projects – anything from “Sister Act” (which ironically would put her in the Palladium before the winner, but would last mere weeks) to “Footloose.” Personally, if she were in “We Will Rock You” I’d be interested to go along… Oh, and while on ovations, also great that Tim Rice got the acknowledgement he rightly deserves.

Who’ll win? Impossible to predict. Who would I like to win? Equally difficult. Sophie I’ve never understood. Certainly she “looks” the part, but I felt that her acting as she sings was fairly weak and she never really did much that engaged my attention. Not a dog fan either. On the plus side, her acting on scripted lines was consistent. The problem is with me, not her, I think.

Lauren I simply admire for her professionalism. When she isn’t smiling or performing, her face seems cold to me; but give her a job to do and suddenly there is something there. Squeezed unfairly out of the dog act a couple of weeks ago, her duet with Danielle last week proved there is a fine theatrical talent  just waiting. A very safe pair of hands who won’t go sick, I’m sure, after a few weeks of a tough run. A person of the theatre rather than of the television, I’d have her down as a winner who would quite probably surprise the audience at the Palladium if she gets there.

Danielle. Sparky eyes that work on TV, but can they reach the back of the theatre? Plenty to learn about how to cope with heading a cast and working a long run, but easily the most watchable of the three when performing a song that suits her. Given that there is almost a year for her to learn what she needs to, there are possibilities. Will her fan base be large enough to defeat the other two? Not sure. More to the point, though I like her work, will I be motivated to phone a vote in? Depends to totally on her performances on the night.

As one of my website readers asks, “Who do you think ALW wants?” Not sure, but the same site reader has already filled two coaches to the show a year ahead, so maybe it is academic anyway if it sells seats.

Speaking of selling, “Theatremonkey, A Guide To London’s West End” has two copies available just by the stairs on the first floor of Trafalgar Square Waterstone’s, and has also reached branches in both Solihull and Sheffield. Buy before Saturday night, and be ready to book tickets after the winning Dorothy is announced.

In today’s print edition, and also online.

As author Joanne O’Connell says, “Don’t Let Hard Times Stop You Having Fun.” The theatremonkey.com website and the book are certainly able to assist indeed.

Thanks too for the mention, Ms O’Connell!

First the good news. No, not that… not until the Cob pact has been signed for however long it lasts…

Two other bits of good news in fact. Waterstone’s in the O2 Centre, Finchley Road, London, were as good as their word and gave “Theatremonkey: A Guide To London’s West End” a prominent position in their “London” section. I expected that to mean the London section half way down the store. In fact, they very kindly gave it an eye-level position in the smart “London for Tourists” display just to the right of the main entrance. Proving that in retail the rule is, “location, location, location” in the two trading days they’ve had copies in stock, they’ve sold two thirds of them. OK, so they only ordered three to start with, but it’s impressive, I think.

Second bit of good news (or is that third?): the local library copy of the book has been returned. Don’t know if it was in ‘mysterious circumstances’ or not, but either way it is back – and now out on official loan to somebody. Mr P has called off the retired Chinese monks he hired to chisel a new paving stone edition. If anyone would like the first half page in 500kg concrete format, feel free to email him with reasonable offers (postage and packing from Beijing  not included).

And so to the events of the weekend “Over The Rainbow.” Turning monkey predictions upside down, its two J’s have flown… and probably rightly. Sadly, Jenny proved she needed more time to work on her acting, while Jessica I just felt let me down. Why? Not her performance – though Tazmin Outhwaite set a new standard in stage song-and-dance routines that Jessica recognises she would need years of work to achieve. No, it was her rather unthinking remark about her ‘fan base’ keeping her in, and her rather desperate manipulation of the dog task that did it for me. I’ve no doubt Jessica will become a musical comedy star once she has trained, but I think I was right in saying she has a way to go and stuff to learn – about herself as much as anything. In the “X Factor” 2008, I spotted Diana Vickers as the real star to watch – and feel I was proved right. Hopefully, my instinct on Jessica will be as accurate.

For the rest, I thought Danielle, Jenny and Lauren all suffered from a fast orchestra and lousy orchestrations of their songs. Lauren in particular had to fight a dreadful lyric change. That said, while I’d love Danielle to win, her “On My Own” wasn’t anywhere near the standard to convince me, alas.

So, this competition is wide open still. Lauren or Steph would be a very safe choice, Sophie looks the part but isn’t “it” for me, and Danielle just may be too young – but would be dynamite and handle Toto with ease.

Also interestingly, ticket sales and information enquiries on the theatremonkey website about the show over the first weekend tickets went on sale to the general public (other than newspaper readers) have told their own tale. So far, more “Oliver” mild interest than double site-crashing “Sound Of Music.” The real ‘tell’ though, will be the Monday lunchtime after the final. Watch this space for that popularity poll…